Good , bad and indifferent

It's been a funny old week. Had the 2 year all clear from the cancer which was good. The bad was that so many of my friends have seriously I'll loved ones.

The mammogram was very painful this year and it's left me with a very sore boob, so very uncomfortable I even cancelled my session with Dave today. I'm seeing my surgeon Monday so I'll ask him about the pain, it's probably just the pressure of the machine on the scaring .

It's our 10th wedding anniversary this year so I thought I'd throw a bit of a party ...hubby is keen so that's not where the indifference comes in.

The indifference is me! Can't quite put my finger on it but there's something not quite right with me at the moment. There's nothing wrong with work, home or stuff like that. I'm well, we've just got two new hens , a poly tunnel and he's ordered a new shed so at least I can get into the garage!

broken bodies and not just mine

Paddy Cunningham you wanted weekly photos so here they are. Check me out in my new Olympic stuff ...( JJB online sale  - great bargains to be had!)

Yep - here is the comedy of this blog - me on the bosu....I actually think this is how Dave gets his kicks when I try and remember all the moves without falling off - 1 - touch toes, 2 - march on spot , 3 - step back off the bosu and return. Laugh! imagine 1, 3, 2 1,1,1,2 ,3 ,1,3,2,3,2,3 especially when I couldn't even remember what 2 was ...this was halfway though our session so I had already busted my balls at this point! and yes ...I'm laughing!

Now this gorgeous specimen is Lydia - she's onl;y 21 but has the hands of an ancient priestess - yep she is the person who puts me back together again. she gives the best massages in Cardiff and I'm not too proud to say she makes me scream! It's not just broken bodies she helps to mend ...she can help relax the best of them. Take my friend Betty Red and her lovely daughter Megan, they are really going through it at the moment, and the lovely Lisa and Lydia at Je Suis Spa helped to ease their pain for just a few hours. If you haven't read on my facebook or twitter about their plight then you are in for a shock but also a lot of inspiration. They're fighting to save someones life ...no shit! Just check outthe Fighting For Steve page.

So when I whinge about how much Dave makes me hurt ...I suck it up and think of how those girls must feel ..I just don't know how they carry on. They've even thought about having to fund raise just so they can fly him to get a second opinion ...no not in the states...just London! so watch out I may well be dusting off my running shoes and asking you to dig deep.

Hooked

Well blow me down .....I've spent all weekend watching the Olympics .....and I've really enjoyed it!

I've also taken the opportunity of the JJB sale to get myself some new clobber. Now I'm seeing Dave 3 times a week and with the dreadful British weather I came to the conclsuion I needed more stuff......nothing smells worse than the smell of damp Pugh in the washing basket!

This fella isnt Usain Bolt and infact it's not a great picture of hom....this is my very own personal abuser ....Dave!

You see that tyre ......the one by the wall ....that's my aim ....to shift my very own one and to flip that one.

Me and Dave have a pact ...he will work me as hard as he likes and I will call hime all the names under the sun as loud and as often as I like. It seems to work .....and if these last few session are anything to go by he's trying to make me throw up too!

I cant begin to tell you how sick i felt after this mornings session ....but hey I gotta start my training for the Oldies Olympics ...or at least get to a point where my knickers stay up and not disappear beneath my marsupial pouch.

Dave destroys my body , and tomorrow I'm gonna tell you a bit about the person who repairs it. Jeeze .....I think I'm gonna need lottery funding ....this stuff dont come cheap!

Ben Hurr and very shy people

Here they are my new shoes! Yes I  have footballers knees ...just trying to find out what decade they belong to! and yep that beast of a woman is me at 645 this morning getting ready to face Dave! Just so you dont think I'm totally mad the only thing I do on getting out of bed is scrub my teeth. i am paying him after all! Whats a bit of bed smell gonna mean to him when he makes me sweat like a shitting dog after 10 minutes!

 I love my time with Dave yes we have a huge laugh - you should have seen my boxing today, and me on a high step just makes us fall about in a fit of giggles ....123 ...dance! If only I knew my right from left ....although then it might be a bit too serious. Being a nosey old baggage I asked him what the coiled ropes were for.  Fail!!!!!!  I honestly think that this was possibly the worst question I could ask. I was told think Ben Hurr and chariot racing ....create the wave with the whip!Well Paddy Cunningham ...after these bad boys , power and speed I actually felt sick for the first time.

Oh and in other news ...I've booked the mammogram and follow up consultants appointment. Plus I've signed up to a 10 week beginners Spanish course ( hope they get enough people).

Videos and sprouting things

So  after a year of hard work my ASICS have seen better days. For the uninititiated they are trainers , yep the same trainers that got me through the Cardiff Half Marathon last year , the same trainers I lugged all over the country to various hotels to lanquish unused with the rest of my PE kit whilst I enjoyed myself at the bar.  I thought it was about time to get a new pair .....no I'm not doing a half marathon again but I've started to get a bit of knee pain. I keep telling Dave that it's just where I haven't been out of bed long enough but I reckon it's coz the trainers have done their miles and need retiring. But what to get ...it's a trainer jungle out there!

Moti to the rescue . I've been videoed at least 8 times in 8 different trainers to make sure the I've got just the right support , I may not be pounding the pavements like last year but apparently the cross trainer can do just as much damage if you don't have the right support. Who knew????  I'm now the proud owner of a bright blue pair of New Balance and I was well chuffed at the sub £80 price tag!! Result! Think I'll wear them to my PT with Dave tomorrow oh yes and I need to take my iPhone ! Paddy Cunningham has challenged me to take weekly pictures. You have been warned .....they may contain images of pain, sweat and possibly puke!!!!

In a more pleasant vein I have had my first meal containing my sprouty things. I bought a Jamie Oliver kit from Homebase on Saturday and I harvested my first lot today......think it was cress or could have been alfalfa :) whatever it was I enjoyed it although I did get a few stomach cramps after lunch. Something I've never had before but I reckon it was just wind ........paaarrrrp!!!!!

This is turning in to more of an adventure that I had planned ....oh yes and tomorrow I make the telephone call

Pack the cases away, things are gonna get tough!

Yep the holidays are over for another year so that means this week I'll be ringing up to book  my mammogram...gulp! I'm feeling quite confident but you should never be too cocky where the Big C is concerned ... it can live up to its C word and be a right xxxx!

Anyway the summer of fun is over (apart from a few weekends away and other nonsense) so the hard work has to begin.

Remember me telling you about Paddy Cunningham? Yes you do , he's the voice of reason I've been ignoring for the past 2 months whilst I've been having fun. He's now started to whisper in my ears again and this time I'm gonna listen harder!

Believe and you will achieve - Ok Paddy you're on! I might not be able to get over to your boot camps or beach training sessions but I've spoken to my PT Dave and we are upping the ante! It's game on!

3 stone by Christmas is my goal and Dave pissed his socks off when I told him why. Ever heard of Desigual. Very very big brand in Spain and next year all I want to wear when I go back to Barcelona is this brand. Sad thing is spanish ladies are very slim so they dont do big fat heffer sizes! So I'm gonna have to move my lardy arse if I'm gonna be able to wear a coat like this :)

Oh yeah and I've told David to start saving as these babies dont come cheap and I'm gonna need a whole new wardrobe !

To help me with my goal I'm enlisting all your help ....dont tempt me with alcohol, chocs or cakes as you will only be offended if I say no. Dont get me wrong they'll still be a feature in my life, but so will seeing Dave three times a week, attempting to get down to see Mary for a yoga class and if you wanna see me , be prepared to go for a nice long walk. This bitch is getting serious ....I'm reclaiming myself and the heat is on!!!!

Sometimes you just gotta let it go

Just had a busy few days away with my team ....it's quite exhausting being me sometimes. Luckily one of my team did the driving but I'm not sure he was really expecting the conversation on the journey home :) explicit renditions of the effects radiotherapy has on your nipples isn't your average conversation. I had a huge adrenalin come down too that resulted in a few tears too. Bless him x x

Race for life

Gosh my life has been busy lately and it's not due to stop any time soon. At least I have a holiday on Thursday and I'm off to Spain to spend time with Roseann on the fincA. Some very strange emotions were re awoken today as my lovely neighbour is running Race For Life. Her hubby asked me if I was doing it and I had to tell him no as I find it to emotional. Before I got cancer I used to do Race For Life , I found it a very moving experience, I would spend the whole 5k in floods of tears, both amazed and proud of the reasons people were there , for me there was always feeling of collective grief. It the same feeling I get when I walk in a church, especially catholic ones. I remember walking into a church in Majorca and I was totally overwhelmed, the tears started almost immediately, it was the same when I went to Sacre Coer, just can't explain it. However St Paul's was a totally different feeling I actually found it a joyous place. Strange eh?? Anyway back to Race For Life, I remember running it with my good friend Rosie one year and she said she had never known anyone with cancer , little did we know then about the mutant cells multiplying in my breast! Have I told you about my bad dreams?? They are horrific, very graphic and frightening, normally involving death of someone ....I even dreamt my lovely little Sofia who is only 3 died in horrific circumstances. It seems I'm not alone, one of my BC friends is experiencing the same thing.her doc has put it down to the tamoxifen and I'm inclined to agree. Both Val and I had the same cancer, same treatment plan and are about the same age. I'm hoping like her I'll get the all clear for another year when I go back next month. I'm going away again for a couple of days later , it's only work but I think I'm gonna like it. The team always lift my spirits and they are great fun to be with......somedays they are the only reason I get out of bed!

More cocks than you could shake a stick at

Isnt life strange! The other night about 10 to 10 our neighbour knocked on our door to say someone had dumped a load of chickens on the allotment and they needed rounding up before they did serious damage. Off hubby and son went armed with boxes and returned with 4 birds. As it was darker couldn't really see hat they were. Next morning there was a rumpus in my hen house, my lovely little warren was extremely aggressive towards the newcomers so I feared thy maybe a rooster in the group. Never having had much cock experience we weren't really sure how to recognise them , the Internet proved inconclusive . This is where social networking comes into its own , good old Facebook. After posting some snaps in the group Poultry Stuff Wales it turns out that all 4 birds are boy Warrens ....not quite of doodling age , no wonder they were dumped. For more reasons than I care to o into we won't be able to carry on with this cock fest. It's not fair on my girls or the neighbours. I'm not quite sure how David's going to do it but he's said the boys will be gone by the end of the day.....I wonder if it'll be chicken for dinner tomorrow????

Public humiliation, nothing quite like it!

My gorgeous young man came to the house today bearing gifts of torture. Instead of doing in in the house I talked him into going to the park at the back. First off we had a good old chat and I shared with him my fears . He's such a great guy , took it all in his stride and we've decided I need a new goal to focus on whilst I wait to have my mammo. So next week we are starting on my new challenge, we think my fitness is pretty good, I don't get aches or pains after exercise which isn't because I don't work hard enough it's because I have excellent rest and recovery ..... Who knew!! We have decided that we are going for inch loss over the next 6 weeks ......think we are gonna aim for a total of 10 all over the body and we had a great good laugh when it came to talking about taking inches off my knockers! We are gonna try and keep the inches there as I can't afford to lose any more :) It will be interesting to see what punishment , sorry training routines, he'll come up with. Anyway , back to the park , Dave turned up today with the multi step bench and barbell. Oh my word , how one man can make me grunt so much in a public place....... So amongst the dog walkers, mums and toddlers going to the playground and bunking off school children, we did circuit training .....and speed running, finishing off with hilarious plank variations on the grass. I think the funniest thing was when a dog came up and sniffed my bum during the box press ups ......I was weak with laughter!!! We got a few funny looks as I was standing there lifting weights cursing him with every raise of the bar. It's a good job he doesn't mind being sworn at but to be quite honest we have the best of times. My lack of co ordination always astounds him and he laughs like a drain when I have to quickly change directions or feet. I'm a bit like bambi on the ice! The guys are gonna laugh their socks off when we do the gym challenge at our next meeting ........

MonGin, TueGin, WedGin ....you get the idea!

What a great holiday! To celebrate 50 years on this planet (who knows where I was before) I rented a villa in Menorca for 2 weeks and said to people they could rock up if they got a flight. A HUGE thanks to Gaye Andrews, Paul Joynson, Roseann Dodgson, Andy and Rosie Billington, Ade Morris and Nadine Reardon for making it such a fun time.....not forgetting Big D who did all the driving for us. If you've never been Menorca is a truly beautiful island, great food and world famous for its gin! Our days were fuelled by BBQ, beer , Pimms and Sangria....our nights either in the Budha Cafe Lounge (a must!) or laughing our tits off at tribute bands in the St Jaime Club. Some people got a taste for the Gin and really relaxed into it.....I have a feeling they didn't sober up for the four days they were with us. Nothing like a man declaring undying love for you at 2 in the morning ......I'm sure he's seen sense now and if his wife is reading this .....you know what he's like! Lol xxx For those of you counting I did manage to walk at least 5k most days , some days it was nearer 10 so I don't feel too bad but I'm sure there is more of me coming back than went. Once in a while I almost forgot that I'm due my mammogram soon , but then the scar would poke out from the bikini (topless days are sadly over due to radiotherapy) like a wrinkly brown worm :( never mind at least I'm still alive to go on holidays. Next stop Butlins with the babies then Tortosa to stay on the fincA with Roseann and then a couple of nights in my beloved Barcelona. Once they are all done I'm gonna book the mammo and hold my breath. I had some lovely words of reassurance from one of my BC girls ...she's just had the all clear for her second year .....keep your fingers crossed I will too. I've made a few decisions already , if the cancer is back I'm gonna continue working during the treatment, I know what it's all about now! And if I get the all clear Big D is gonna take me away for a dirty weekend ...not quite like the old days obviously .....but we'll have a great time! That's one of the only things about this cancer , the side effects of the medication. At my age I don't deserve to be thrown into menopause with all it's shitty outcomes. No one warns you about the dramatic effects of what should be a natural process when it's chemically induced. I won't go into the physical changes here but if anyone is interested they can look them up!!! Yesterday we went to the marriage blessing of Betty and Stephen, I couldn't sit through it and spent all the service in the toilet blabbing like a baby , that's another thing , you never know when the tears will come. I just take myself out of the situations now so I don't make a proper tit of myself and distract from what's really going on. So if I disappear don't worry , I'll just be surrounded by soggy tissues somewhere. And if I refuse an invitation where I would normally have jumped at the chance before now you know the reason why. Now the holiday is over I really need to knuckle down to sorting out my diet ....no booze for a couple of weeks at least .....get the fruit and veg flowing freely again ....must admit I need that 'function' back ....changes of water and climate play havoc with my insides! Time to get exercising in earnest ...I've got a point to prove to myself!! But that all starts tomorrow .......today is curry day!!!

Lardy arses, gaping tops and too many shoes

You know what it's like, you go to get all your summer clothes out to pack for holiday and some of them don't fit. Last years shorts are too tight and the tops are too big!!! Now how does that work then. Well I'm not gonna worry about it now. It is was it is and I still have more than enough clothes to pack for a two week holiday .

My big dilemma is shoes......yep flip flops are in , some nice stroppy flats, trainers for the 5k challenge set by my PT (more on that later), the toms have got to come but what about the wedges! What colour and what bags should I take????? So many shoes and only 2 feet!

I'm in better physical shape than I have been in ages although obviously not as trim as I was this time last year hence the shorts. Hubby has a theory on this but I'm not convinced. He reckons I was squidgyer this time last year so I could mould myself into the clothes, now I'm a bit more muscular (don't get me wrong I'm no body builder) I'm a different body shape. Thats all thanks to the lovely Dave G, and blimey he put me through it yesterday!!!! I didn't know I could do 50 reps of anything! Anyway, he's set me the challenge of walking at least 5k a day whilst on holiday. I don't think that should be too much of a challenge as its .5 to the nearest shop and 2k to the beach and the same to a bar. Sounds like a great plan for me :)

Oh no - I'm actually normal!

This is gonna come a a huge shock to some of you but it turns out I'm normal. I was listening to the radio as I normally do when I'm working and I heard this on Womans Hour.

The psychological impact of breast cancer                                .

Being told you have breast cancer isn’t easy. It might seem like you have enough to cope with just getting through treatment or surgery. But many women contend with feelings of anger, fear and guilt and it can be hard processing such feelings when everyone around you is telling you to fight the disease. So how does breast cancer affect the way we think about ourselves as women and our relationships? Jenni talks to Dr Cordelia Galgut, a practicing psychologist who has had breast cancer.

I cant even begin to tell you how having breast cancer has changed my life but it's comforting to know I'm not alone with the enormous fear this time of year brings. I suggest you all ....yep....you boys too ....seek this out on the iPlayer or try this http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b01jhdgg/Womans_Hour_Michelle_Obama/

It wont necessarily explain the reasons I'm like I am .....but it's a huge relief to know these feelings are normal.

This however is not normal ......I'm taking my tortoise to the park so he can have a good old wonder round and be in a video

Just what I needed

Afternoon naps should be bottled and sold over the counter as rescue remedy!! I can't believe how much better I feel , more positive, more balanced,not necessarily more alert coz I've literally just woken up!

My PT Dave is right,you body will tell you when it's had enough and I've clearly not been listening to it properly. I suppose it should shout a little harder at me......and it should know by now what a stubborn little bitch I am!

Anyway enough of this hating myself nonsense, I'm frigging gorgeous.very few people can match my outstanding personality, wicked sense of humour ,ability to 'heal' people and yes my super woman outfit is clearly worn out.

Seriously though, tonight I'm gonna put on some make up, that doesn't happen very often, and let the men in my life take me out to dinner.

I hate me

Yesterday we celebrated the jubilee in true British style by partying in the rain. I've just seen the photos and it looks like all my efforts are going absolutely nowhere . I try so hard and still wind up looking like a total sack of shit. I really hate myself. I'm not totally sure I can overcome this

Grown men and bad dreams

Ok, when did that happen, a boy goes away to university and not even a year later this grown man turns up at my house claiming to be my son!!!! He still my little boy, we laugh at the same things, we cuddle up on the sofa, he can still eat chocolate flakes like they were going out of fashion! There was one thing he did for me tho ....he had a shave! Now I adore a hairy man, and I mean hairy , not just scraps of beard here and there, and there is nothing more lovely than a man with a hairy chest! Not sure about his hairy chest yet but if he's like his Dad there will be something to stroke! One thing I have noticed is a thickening of the child like waistline........he said its not a beer belly but a shot bucket!! Lol! Whether it is the returning of the lad for a while or just a hot chilli mixed with hormones I had the strangest dream last night. It involved a young man, a large park, one big tree, a room without a toilet, my resignation , lots of phone calls, a turnstile , a trip in a car, a poncho and lots of almost sex!!! I'm blaming the hormones :) Today we are supposed to me having our party in the park for Queenies Jubilee. It's been pissing it down all night , so I'm not sure how it's going to go. Let's just say I'll be popping open some champagne regardless, and we may have to resort to plan be. Anyway it's not the weather, food or drink that make for a good time.....it's the people and we know lots of lovely people so we are sure to have a good time. Whatever you are up to today - have fun!!

A total babe !

It's been awhile but there has been a lot going on and some of it has been very nice indeed.

Work has been quite hectic and has thrown a few curve balls but I managed to ride the wave. In fact I'm really happy with things in that direction at the moment, the team continue to make me laugh , sometimes quite I appropriately.I've found myself leaving the office and spending time in the corridor laughing like a drain on many occasions. There's been lots of talk about icecream and quite a bit of consumption .....lovely!

My body is changing and people are noticing,a man in the lift flirted outrageously with me the other day, someone told me I looked fabulous and I thought the man in the garage was gonna have a heart attack when I bent down to pick up my bag. I must remember that my clothes are a little bigger so a flash of a boob is inevitable . Time to buy some new clothes!

I've also had a bit of a disaster body wise. On Monday I dropped a garden bench on my foot, and Thursday saw me fall over a tree root and go down like a sack of spuds grazing my feet and hand. Numptey !!! The lovely Lydia had to do some mega work on my lower back and bum yesterday, she could actually see the tension let alone feel it. Today I feel a bit bruised and battered but otherwise I'm fine.

This time next week I'll be in the sun, and boy I really need this holiday. My body and brain are tired and I need a bit of rest. Not sure I'll get it though x x x

MoJo

Right, having kicked my own arse I now feel in a position of strength again. I'm gonna stand in my truth and face up to a few facts. I need to live in the now, forget about what has gone before, appreciate the love I have and realise the thing I thing I want is never going to happen. I am strong, I'm back in the room and it's game on! Watch out world I have my mojo back!

Getting the jitters

David turned to me in the car tonight and asked me why I was so sad. We both decided it was because its coming up to that time of the year when I have to go for my annual mammogram and check up. I don't think the cancer has come back, but I've had an itchy boob recently and that's how we discovered it in the first place.

What I have decided though is that I'm not going to book anything until after our summer holidays, in the scheme of things a couple of months isn't going to hurt. Now I've faced what's bugging me and I can on with the serious business of enjoying my life.

I love my job, I work with people who make me laugh and daily I feel confidence returning. In other news my beautiful boy is coming to stay .....well he's not a boy anymore he's a grown man...but he's still good for a cuddle and he's got a wicked sense of humour too. He's gonna house sit for us whilst we are away ......when I asked him if he would be bored on his own he soon said no and that he's looking forward to the break. I know the lovely neighbours will look after him well.

Had another bad dream tonight...but maybe now I know what's really eating me up I'll settle down.......time will tell.

Love at first sight and aching bums!

My bum hurts, yes my bum. I blame the beast and a certain gorgeous young man for abusing me far too often this week. I also fell widely in love on the way home from work last night, I was so gobsmacked I had to cut short a call. I'm sure he'll understand. It really was love at first sight. Of you know the M4 like I know the M4 there is a point which goes up quite high and there are normally a bunch of cows in the fields. Last night there were a bunch of cows with their babies.....it was so so beautiful it actually took my breath away. Today has been a strange one. Found myself crying in the middle of the afternoon. It was a songs fault.....it brought back vivid memories and stirred emotions that I thought were long buried. I suppose that when you've loved someone it never really goes away, and I did love that man. He was the closest thing to a lover I had. Like I've said to friends, love comes in the strangest forms and at the strangest times.never turn any love away as you never know when the next lot will turn up. On that note I'm off to the shop to feed my love of food.

Spray tans, sticky carpets and dirty minds!

As you know I've been a bit fed up recently , probably all this rainy weather , and I needed a much needed boost. This is where the lovely Katie Jones comes in, not only is she a right good laugh she's also one of the few people I would trust to see me naked at the moment. And that's exactly what she did. What a laugh - a spray tan! Always wanted to give it a go but didn't want to end up looking like a valleys chav. There's a bit of a stigma about spray tans around here , they don't look good, they are for cougars (bit more on that later) or big chested, lardy arsed valley slappers. When Katie suggest I give it a try it took me months to finally pluck up the courage. My decision was made by my lovely team, well not actually made by them but I thought they would be brutally honest with me if it all went tits up. Katie turned up with her pop up tent, I grabbed me an old pair of pants and then the deed was done. Amongst much laughter and gossip I stood they whilst she spray painted me, I went into the tent looking like a mini with a broken headlight and came out feeling like a Ferrari! Confidence is a funny old thing and there are tricks we can play to coax it out from behind the sofa and I had just found a new one! Result ...this will be happening again. Oh , and the verdict from the team was that I looked great! Talking of the team , 10 smashing guys and 2 lovely girls that are spread over the 4 corners of the country. They work hard and don't see each other that often but when they do it's a blast. I've only been with them for a few months but they've given me a new lease of life and make me laugh like a drain. I'm the oldest person in the team , but I'm deffo not their Mother or babysitter......in fact I'm obviously gonna have an affair ! David wishes he's had a £ for every time this one has come up over the years. Its sad that people don't understand friendships between men and woman, I've got great male friends and we don't have to sleep together , except for Dav Stanley of course, but that was just a conference thing......and I ended up with a contagious disease ....the flu! Being such a cougar I surprised myself by going home early after taking the team out on Thursday , totally nothing to do with my age but deffo to do with the fact I've never liked clubs with sticky floors or where you couldn't get a decent glass of fizz. Team enjoyed it though , some maybe a little to much. Next time I think we'll do something a little low key :) My PT will be turning up this morning and he'll be amazed when I show him my latest purchase ........I am now the proud owner of a cross trainer. Some people hide them away in their bedroom , not me - it's pride of place in the dining room next to the booze cabinet, how apt!!!!! Oh, must remind David to take a full length photo for me to send off for my Woman's magazine thing.....yep MacMillian Cancer have put me forward for another article, they need a 50 year old cancer survivor for a piece so that'll be me then!!! Let's hope they don't want a novelty shot! Hahahahaha!

SHIT HAPPENS!

It's been one of those shitty weeks ! My healthy eating was ok but my alcohol intake was stupidly high ...lol! Oh well , that was last week this is this :) I'm not gonna beat myself up as I've already come so far.

Just been listening to a very good article on cancer survival rates, so I thought I should investigate mine. Not looking too bad so I should be here a bit longer.

What a week and it's nowhere near over!

Ever wondered what perpetual motion must feel like? Well that's been me so far this week.
Monday - travelled by train from Cardiff to Birmingham , spent all day doing account visits , got the train to Preston. Checked in at hotel and spent 30 minutes in the mini gym ....that's what travelling does for me!
Tuesday - travelled by train form Preston to York , did account visits and travelled back to Preston , spent 40 minutes on a bike in the mini gym.
Wednesday - travelled from Preston back to Cardiff. I'm home and gonnaut my feet up for an hour before I start work.

In other news I've joined a great Facebook group , they'll know who they are as they've been supporting me every step of the way in a very difficult week. I am strong , I CAN do this!

What a weekend!

Many people have commented on the fact that I have a busy social life. It's true, I do, and I enjoy every minute of it. This weekend what no exception, I could have been quardriple booked quite easily.

Friday was quite tame , just a few cheeky drinks with Nadine. Saturday was a run first thing with Anne, then Iestyn came to take David out to lunch, Nadine popped in for a cuppa and the lovely Ingrid arrived for a good old catch up. I was good and made turkey meatloaf, used some of my sundried tomatoes from last years harvest, 'twas scrummy!sunday saw the lovely Ingrid leave to travel down to Swansea and then the adoreable Millie came with her mum Traceyto have lunch and see the chooks. It couldn't have been a worse day for the weather, wheelie bins blown into the air, flying wheelbarrows and rain of biblical proportions! Truly shocking , at one point I thought it was going to blow the kitchen window in. Millie is 3 and a total cutie, she was oblivious to it all! Had to put George in the greenhouse to stop him having a turtle complex and the hens, well they are as stupid as ever.

The house is quiet now, David has discovered the joys of F1 tv so I'm putting my feet up for a bit. I've a busy week ahead, Birmingham tomorrow, then up to Preston, across to York, back to Preston, then home, off to Slough , then home again. I need to be a bit canny with my packing, PE kit is deffo going in but I really need to sort out what food to take. I hate hotel food, there's never anything healthy on the menu :(

I'll just make the best of a bad job!

New trainers and old friends

Today will be a different day. Started at 8 with a 5k walk run with my neighbour, breaking in my new trainers, the old ones have seen quite a few miles and will be relegated to indoor gym work.

Blimey it's was cold out there this morning , but at least I got out there! Same old trouble , my knees take a while to get going, must have a word about that with Dave. It's not around the knees it actually feels inside, perhaps the fluid isn't pumping enough or perhaps it's the fact I'd only got out of bed 5 minutes before hand!!! Lazy mare!

Today I've some old friends coming round , both of them aren't having the best of times at the moment for one reason or another, so I'm expecting tears , laughter and a fair amount of hugging and kissing. All good therapy in my opinion.

I'm also going to cook for them - very therapeutic and I'm doing healthy too :)

The fire is lit in the hearth, the house is safe and warm, we are going to have a day full of warmth and love

Mirrors!

Apart from it being a hard week , it's been a bitter sweet week too. Bitter - a friend was worried about her health and another had been stitched up by some supposed work 'friends' I don't know about you but I personally think the health scare is the easier one to deal with!!! Friendship is a funny old thing, luckily I've been blessed with wonderful friends but when it comes to work, or when people feel threatened , those relationships can turn sour. The sweet side of the week was hubby birthday , we didn't do anything special but we had a nice time together drinking wine and listening to music. We have such different tastes too! Another sweet thing was I actually looked at myself in a full length mirror - naked!! For the first time in ages I wasn't scared, I wasn't horrified, I wasn't jumping for joy , but I didn't recoil in terror either. I'm still coming to terms with the fact a large chunk of my boob has gone, but hey ho , I'm still here and that's all the counts!!! A friend said that it's recommended that when you start on a journey like mine you should take photos ....I'm not brave enough for that yet and as much as David loves me he values his camera lens more!!! Off to have a massage later ....hot stones too .....luxury!!!!

That Friday feeling

No weight loss this week but I'm not surprised - hotel living ain't easy! Great news is that I've lost an inch off mt arse .....now that can't be bad!!!!!

The things you hide from yourself

It was lovely havng breakfast today with a challenging soul , someone you can talk to , someone who doesn't judge. The lovely Tarrah and I share different difficulties but we very much share the same language. She remarked on how controlled I was last night as normally I stay up with them. But to tell you the thruth as much as I want to be with the team the drugs make me tired and it appears to others I look grumpy. I'm probably not but just so knackered I cant join in!

We chatted for a while about what we were up to in our lives and then the killer question. What are you afraid of? No it's not spiders. hieghts I'm sure I can deal with ...I was brutally honest with her and told her I was scared of the cancer coming back. I confided how bad the side effects are impacting on our lives, how every time I look in the mirror I see a different person looking back.  'Aren't you tempted to stop takling the tamoxifen?' Yep - ofcourse I am .....but the chances of the cancer coming back outweigh the risk....I ....like many millions of other woman just have to get on with it and make the most of a bad job.

Whether it's cancer, disability, and abuisve marriage or realtionship, bullying or 1001 of lifes other shitty blows. You know what I mean Betty Red - we just have to pull up our knickers and get on with it ...and heaven to Bettsy we show how we really feel , eh??

What a week and it's only Wednesday

Have I ever told you that I don't like myself sometimes? No , wellit's true. Monday started with Dave coming round for my session and it was tipping in down with rain so we made the best use of what I hade in the house.

Kettle bells, swiss ball and my medicine ball , not forgetting the stairs! Big D was quite startled to hear all the grunts, groans and swearing coming from downstairs but at the end of a very quick 45 minutes I felt wonderful. Just a full days work to get through before I travelled the 150 miles across country to Milton Keynes.Simples!

Looked at the hotel online to see if it had a gym - result! My first one did but not my second , that was OK though as I knew the second night was a team party night and we just wouldnt have the time.

Spent 25 minutes on the cross trainer Monday night and was fair pooped by the time I'd got to bed. No alcohol with my room service - just 2 big bottles of water go me!

Tuesday came and it was a quick switc h to another hotel - never been a fan of Jurys Inn but thats where I had been booked in. What a dump! Had a great day with the team and watched them as they did an indoor skydive at Airkix - so wish I could have done it but I deffo know what I'm arranging for Darius next birthday!

Went to the best Chinese in MK with the team - Taipan, drinkies all round but I just wasn't feeling the alcohol vibe so just had 3 small glasses of red wine. left most of them to 'shoot' it out till the wee small hours but I knew I had to get back and do some work before my 2 days off this week.

Yep - It's Big D's birthday on Thursday and I know the wee ones want to come and see him  - bless. We are not making a big fuss, in fact he's bought what he wants and I'll just give him the money. Note to self - dont forget to make him a birthday card!

Drive home was frigging awful! The rain was biblical and I almost got taken out on the M5 by a lorry that was all aqua planing all over the place. Grrrr! Never mind, came home to handmade scotch eggs! Yummy!

Oh well, suppose I should get on with some work .........

Not today thank you!

It's Saturday morning and I hurt!

Inspiration is where you find it

Almost at the end of a long working week involving many miles sat in the car left to my own thoughts and I started to wonder about inspiration, yeah I know most people think about what to cook for dinner but I'm a bit strange like that.

Inspiration is different than motivation for me. Dave motivates me to get on and try that bit harder, trying to get into my jeans without feeling like I've been cut in two motivates me ...but for inspiration...........

And then I remembered Paddy , you know Paddy Cunningham , yes you do ...if not google him. I remember Paddy talking to me on twitter last year about various things but one thing that rang true was there will be good days and bad days, you just have to celebrate the good, accept the bad and move on. You cant change stuff that's already happened! how very very true.

Paddy is on holiday at the moment and one of his biggest achievements has been being able to sunbathe without a top on.............something he'd never thought he'd do.

My topless sunbathing days are long gone but feeling comfortable in my skin isn't. So Paddy you have been an inspiration to me and my aspiration is to be around the pool in Menorca this year without constantly worrying about my marsupial pouch !

My inspiration next week could be something completely different .................yep I'm a fickle bitch! Have a great evening ...........I'm off to cook up a storm!

Boxing and sky diving!

Today I was introduced to the heady world of boxing. The lovely Dave put on some body armour , threw me a pair of gloves and said 'hit me!'

Hahahahahaha - what a joke. I was hardly Rocky and I'm sure Miss Piggy packs a better punch but I'll tell you something it was very good for the soul! I could take out any aggression without hurting anyone (although I did a 'power' punch and almost broke my thumb!)

I promised to tell you a bit more about my PT - Dave. You can see him for yourself here http://www.dgpt.co.uk/ ........and I had to punch him! LOL!

In other news I've been given a wonderful opportunity that I have had to turn down. It's not everyday you get the chance to indoor skydive but after talking to the lovely people at Airkix they have advised against it because of the breast cancer surgery, it's too recent apparently and the area wouldnt be strong enough. Oh well ...I'll just have to watch!

That Friday feeling

Woken up in my own bed....lovely. Still got the snotty nose and feel crap but jumped on the scales anyway. Whoop whoop lost 3 pounds! Now all I have to do is drag my sorry ass out of bed and go to my PT session. Friday is such a funny day , gateway to the weekend and all that, tonight I'm gonna cook for some friends , just haven't worked out what yet, but needless to say there will be a few drinkies!

Room service!

I promised to share with you everything so here it is. I've found the last 2 days hard work. Being away from home is never easy and hotel food is always a challenge but I did my best. I chose a hotel with a gym and I must say that I went there both nights of my stay. I made myself a pact to visit the gym after work and before dinner. I only spent 30 minutes on each session and I completed a circuit of exercises set by Dave. I did feel a bit self aware where the Lycra lovelies came in for a class , but there were plenty of other people there just obviously killing time. Me , I didn't have time to kil but I did want to prove to myself that it is possible to pack your PE kit and actually use it! So often it's come away with me but just stayed in the bag! Room service wasnt brilliant but I made sure I had a side salad with every meal, didn't eat the bread or the croutons and tried to have the healthiest thing on the menu. I made sure o have breakfast each day, cereal, fruit salad and yogurt. I actually feel quite virtuous but I must admit now, after an almost 4 hour drive home, I'm craving a glass of wine. I'm not gonna deprive myself .......but I've also got a PT sesh booked for first hung in the morning so there won't be too many. It's weigh in and measurement day tomorrow ........eeeek!

Hotels and packing

Todsy is another challenge. I have to go away on business for a few days. 1 - hotel food isn't always the best, I don't like to eat in the Restaurant so always end up with room service. 2 - I always pack my PE kit but don't use it. 3 - I still have a stinking cold. I need to make this easier for myself. I will pack my iPod, PE kit and before I order my room service I will use the gym . I'm not leaving here til 4pm so by the time I've sat in traffic I'll appreciate shifting my bones. My friend Mark has recommended Night Nurse so that will be my bedtime drink. I'm also gonna pack some healthy foods as it not just at night time I will find it difficult. Well , that's the plan. I'll let you know how I get on.

Just didn't realise

Gosh, this is a hard one to admit to but I think I've been bordering on the edge of depression. I only realised when I took a long look at myself and realised that I haven't given myself a facial for months, done my trotters for months or really cared about my appearance at all! Tonight I remedied this by giving myself a mini facial. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.....apart from packing for a few days away. That's gonna be difficult too!

A walk in the woods

Well , it's been a funny old day. Firstly deciding I wouldshare my new adventure with you all and secondly this damn cold is really getting on my nerves.

Hauling my sorry ass out of bed this morning was a great effort, I'd been woken in the night with the sinus fire form hell and hubbies snoring, but I had a date with a fit young man and a lovely 6 month old lady.

The fit young man was my Personal Trainer, David Gorwill, and the 6 month old lady is his boxer dog CoCo. Todays challenge wasnt in the gym but in Nant Fawr , Llanishen. This formed part of my regular running route last year but today it was a visit with a twist.

9:00 is a lovely time of day , the sun was out, birds were singing but there was still a lot of dew on the ground. Dave and CoCo turned upwith a weighted rucksack (just about 14 pounds) and we began our walk in the woods. It's mixed terrain, soft muddy fields, and whilst we were chatting about our weekend CoCo was busy chasing the tormenting crows. This seems easy enough I thought and the we began the climb uphill and out on to the roads of Lisvane. EEEEEEK ....I'm a sweaty Betty at the best of times and even more so since taking the Tamoxifen but I was literally dripping. It was great for my sinus though , lost of spanking fresh air, trying to get as much oxygen into my tired old body as possible to make the 5k walk a pleasurable as possible.

Yep it was a pleasure, and I burnt over 500 calories doing it. Now I know weight loss is just simple math , less calories in and more calories out to create a deficit. Should be easy right??? Then how come I struggle so much with it???

Dave was wittering on about diet and what foods I eat ....it's not the food love, you wont find any processed muck here, not when we have our own chickens and 3 allotments .....it's having a fun sociable life and a probably destructive relationship with alcohol that does it. But lets just face one demon at a time eh??

This cold is making me feel crappy so there wont be any more exercise for me today but tomorrow ........ I know what I need to do , but can I do it?

Here we go!

Here we go! My next challenge is to lose 66 pounds to get me to a healthy weight.

Yep - it's a big ask but I have till the end of the year. I dont know whether I can do it but I'm going to give it my best shot.

I've never been a 'small' person in any sense of the word, big laugh, big personality and now a big belly!

I'm not gonna try and do this on my own and I'm not gonna deny myself the pleasures of life. I'm just gonna try and do things a bit differently and see how I get on.

It's actually only 62 pounds now as I've lost 4 pounds over the last couple of weeks....I've still eaten out, enjoyed a drink with friends and had house guests to cook for and entertain.

Apart from my incredibly supportive hubby I've enlisted the help of another man...... another David......!

I'll tell you a bit more about him next time :)

M